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[me] Insanity - Transience Divine
May 29th, 2007
12:45 am

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[me] Insanity
I had so much fun at Diana's this weekend! Late nights in the attic and around the campfire, making tacos and pasta, endless good discussion, playing in the park, with great company, newly-met old-timers, and kids galore. I *love* Rocky.

For the past year, about, I've been driving myself insane, slowly and intentionally, with malice and forethought.

One night in Amsterdam, I blew a hole through my psyche into a dark yawning abyss (not with drugs, but not without them either). It's a jagged chasm behind my eyes to the unlit depths of my subconscious. I can go back there, make requests, and get back confusing answers. I've watched for months as the hole grew, engulfing more and more of my head in its shadow.

Its incessant growth makes me tremble with fear and anticipation. Recently I realized that the dark curtains are like the shell on an egg, harboring my fetal new self. I've been feeding it the best I can find of friends, literature, dreams, and principles. I have faith that it will be nobler than I, but I fear it, because for now it's just a gaping unknown.

As it's grown, it's pressed against the clenched lips of my flaws until they foam. Sometimes on familiar walks, I lose my grasp on reality, mutter under my breath and gesture like crazy people on the T, as my fantasies become my world. I'm paralyzed or change plans ever minute, as each of my 7 minds weighs their concerns. I've made myself moody and manic and conflicted to give it the environment to let it grow.

And it's getting ready to burst. It wakes me with rumbles in the night. I can feel its cracks, and the tendrils that creep out. I wish it could just do it, take over my body and infect my senses, but it won't be hurried. And it won't be compromised: the "I" I know will become to little more than a confusing memory.

Today's cracks were a better understand of this year-long project, and a strain, burst, and resolution on over-analyzing social situations. What's been fun musing on the structures of different people's relationships just crossed into addiction, and I'm resolved to stop being so conscious of them. I hope that concerning myself with them less and doing as I please more will also help me do better by my friends, but I trust you'll be able to tell me if it becomes the opposite.

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