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Imaginary Gardens with Real Toads - Transience Divine
September 24th, 2007
05:31 pm


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Imaginary Gardens with Real Toads
Life is good. I'm happy to be 26. I recently hired my first employee, and I'm close to hiring a web designer for DepartureWorld. I'm very busy with work, with social life, with projects, and falling behind on everything-- as it should be.

There have been some *great* parties recently! Thank you mals13 and the_red_diva for your hospitality and good times, and thank you everyone who came to my gatherings!
My parents helped me move Api, my turtle of 15 years, to Cambridge (he might be older than me). After the traumatic move, he's now contently swimming around my dining room.
FYI, I'm back to locking my window. Some couch surfers stayed at my place Friday, and then used my window when they couldn't get in touch with me Saturday. I'm glad they weren't stuck outside, but that's my limit.
I'm showing Waking Life this Tuesday, at 8 pm, in Random Hall's Alice in Wonderland theatre (290 Mass Ave., Cambridge). This is an incredible philosophical film, and you should come watch it! I'll bring popcorn and cookies.

A friend, in honest curiosity and caring, said in all the time we'd known each other, she didn't understand me as a human (or something similar-- I don't want to put words in her mouth, it just got me thinking). In a way, I can't disagree, and it hurts to know that all the work I've done on myself to have stronger emotions, to want and yearn and hurt more, to wear my heart closer to my wrist, to be my body, have done so little. My teacher in wisdom-- an INTJ, like me-- described it "a brain wearing a body". Plato and Nietzsche convinced me that that wasn't what I wanted to be.

I approach life with such a thrill that I forget about the other emotions. I almost never get angry or scared, and I haven't cried in a decade. At the last Salon, we talked about Marvin Minsky's The Emotion Machine, which claims that emotions are different ways of thinking, which give humans their versatility. My subconscious slapped me when I asked about it. "Duh! I put those other emotions there for your benefit, and in their way they're as important as joy. Despair is as important as love for being fulfilled, staying healthy, and getting girls. Use it!"

In the past, I've tried championing emotions as hunches, then functions, then ideas in the cosmic consciousness, then gods. Now I'm letting them be the highest entities of which I can conceive: people. There's now four of me (Happy, Angry, Sad, Scared) running around my head, jostling for control. We're letting each have a spin. I saw the world as a sinister cesspool, each of us waiting to join its doom, and the hair rose on my neck. I saw it as a maze of rats, all looking for cheese that only made them sicker, and a knot stuck in my throat. I thought of each of my friends and what I scorned them for, and mentally punched each one, until I got to tomsfoos, who I could find no reason to hurt (the rest of you I punched for stupid, petty reasons, but I'll tell you if you want). And I thought about the infinite possibility of life, the wonder of love, the beauty of ideas, and how much I adored everyone I know.

I also turned my anger on myself; in my minds eye, I sized myself up, took aim, and hit myself harder than anyone else. It felt good, like the only punch worth taking is a strong one.

In counter-balance, though, I'm pulling out on spending time pursuing lovers. I heard after my after-party that a friend-of-a-friend thought of me as "that cute queen." Am I crazy for thinking it's all connected? I hate making people uncomfortable, and as long as I come across as a queen or a robot, I'm better off as a friend. I don't like the intellectual's approach of seducing with the mind, and then using the bait to switch in the body. I'd rather find a woman who wants my body for the god that it can be, and leave my mind out of it.

Current Mood: contemplativewings

(5 comments | Leave a comment)

Date:September 24th, 2007 11:21 pm (UTC)


Thanks for including a picture of Api. I'm glad he's doing OK. Enjoy!
[User Picture]
Date:September 25th, 2007 12:36 am (UTC)
I don't like the intellectual's approach of seducing with the mind, and then using the bait to switch in the body.

I'm not following you here. Possibly it's cause I'm an intellectual and seducing with the mind is my style. There's a thin line to walk here; on the one hand, anyone who says the body is irrelevant is a liar. On the other, anyone who judges soley by appearance is shallow. I guess I'm just having a hard time imagining that anyone could actually suffer an "intellectual-bait-and-switch" and then absent-mindedly have sex with someone they found entirely unattractive.

Certainly, it's possible that you might have sex with someone who is not your idealized physical partner if you found them stimulating in other ways. Johnny Depp is much hotter than Jack, (who is reading over my shoulder as I write this). I still think I would rather have sex with my husband, though - because if Johnny Depp actually did randomly show up at my house looking for a night of strings-free passion, I think it would badly unnerve me. It would be a sign that the guy was kind of nuts.

There's a pretty large difference between a person who thinks you have the body of an Adonis and a person who thinks you are sexy. I guess what I'm saying is that if you want to be sexy you can't expect to leave your mind out of it.
[User Picture]
Date:September 26th, 2007 07:05 am (UTC)
You're right, and on one level I know that. What I consider sexy in others is so much a function of attitude, character, *intellect*, that I can hardly expect other people-- at least, most of the ones I'm interested in-- to do otherwise.

But at least for me, I feel like it is a kind bait-and-switch. I approach dating and everything that goes with it as an intellectual. When I flirt, I'm constantly thinking about what I can say to make the person I'm with laugh or feel good or think well of me. And while that comes out of my whole character, it's also fairly disconnected from it. I don't think I present a false impression of myself, but I think it's very easy to appear as what I do, rather than what I am.

The body represents to me much more than appearances-- I mean by it, "what I am" outside of my reason. Having strong feelings and a strong connection with one's body seem to me to be very important, and have a kind of primacy and immediacy that's important in relationships. What I infer from people's reactions ("robot", "queen") is that there's a radical disconnect between my presentation (how I come across) and my sexuality. I'm working on that, but I'm not there yet. And I don't mind not being there-- intellectually, I think I understand my emotions and sexuality very well, and I'm sure that eventually that will work its way into my manifested character.

Does that make any more sense? By the way, I love the idea of Johnny Depp showing up on your doorstep! Good luck with that.
[User Picture]
Date:October 6th, 2007 03:01 pm (UTC)
I love the idea of Johnny Depp showing up on your doorstep! Good luck with that.

Conceptually, so do I. :) Of course, I'm pretty sure that I'm pretty safe!
[User Picture]
Date:September 27th, 2007 04:42 pm (UTC)
We're letting each have a spin.

Keep in mind, the tendency to manage one's emotions like that still marks you as fairly distinctive. I spent a long, long time working with one ENFP friend, some years ago, and it slowly became clear that they way we *approached* emotion was radically different. They couldn't quite understand the way I manage and use my emotions, and I couldn't entirely understand they way they simply *experienced* them as they happened, regardless of consequence. Very different ways of looking at the world and how one reacts to it...
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