I'm in such a weird emotional space right now. I'm lonely, and anxious, and conflicted, and melancholy. And I know it's temporary, I know at least some of the causes, and I know a part of me that enjoys the confusion, but life right now has none of the thrills I know it could. I wish sometimes I could cry.
I'm not lonely exactly for lack of friends or opportunities, but friends aren't what I'm lonely for. It's two-and-a-half months before I leave, and that's too long for a lame duck social life and too short to pursue any new relationships. And I don't have the time or the energy to organize the social life I want-- and I'm not even sure what social life that would be any more.
All my employers want an ever-bigger slice of my pie before I leave. When I find extra hours, I end up pouring it into jobs I care less for every day. And I'm not getting to work on my own projects. It's like I spend all my time driving up an ever-steepening slope, but it feels like my wheels are mostly just spinning in mud.
I'm torn over the dozens of friendships I want to make better here. I'm torn over what happens when I leave to those relationships when I leave. And if preparing to leave has also been freeing, I waver on how much to explore that freedom, and how much to care. And in my confusion, I've said some hurtful, inappropriate things recently to good friends who didn't deserve them.
Mostly, I'm just sad. Sad to be leaving, and sad to be alone and getting more alone every day. I want to enjoy my last few months, and instead I'm comparing them to an imagined other life I think I could build for myself here. Not sad enough to change my plans, but just sad enough to want to forget about them.
I just did my taxes. It could have been worse, but I cleared out most of my bank account and still owe the feds thousands. It won't stop me from going to Brazil, but it won't make it easy. And I still haven't gone to the consulate to find out how legally I can work there.
C'est la vie.
Plan to do something fun with me before I leave! Want to go camping? Want to bar-hop and check out some new music? Want to just hang out, drink tea, and talk life? Distract me in a new way, and I'll shake off this haze before a jet engine blows it away.